Have you married?

Culturally, it's such an innocent question, typically accompanied by fits of giggles and small, shy glances.  Yet, somehow, it's both harder to hear and to answer here.  It always manages to create some sort of overstimulated emotional reaction inside me.  Whether it's barely noticeable in an absolute-smallest-of-twinges-felt-in-the-innermost-part-of-my-gut sort of way or whether I'm caught completely unprepared to the point an instant rush of adrenaline quickens in my veins while I feel awkwardly put on the spot...either way, it's really rather unpleasant.

Culturally, there are only two legitimate answers to this question: a seemingly rather simple "yes" or a just as simple "no" as in "not yet."  In Mandarin, the question is nearly always asked as a quite open-ended but literal "Have you or have you not married?" as opposed to the American English version of "Are you married?" with its (glorious!) implication of current conditions.  According to (my rather limited grasp of) the nature of the language, the proper response in Mandarin should then be either "I have" or "I have not."  Pretty simple, right?  However, I haven't been able to comfortably or legitimately answer with either of those responses in years.  To say "I have" would be met with further questions as to where/who my husband is and to say "I haven't" would simply be a lie - so not my style.  The asker(s) can't possibly be aware of the many complications that riddle the truth as well as my past.

Culturally, it would be wildly inappropriate to burden those only wishing to make a little small talk with the highly personalized details of my story.  They don't need to know about the years of heartache I struggled through, scrambling after a husband who first rejected his faith, his wife and ultimately all other significant commitments.  They don't need to know how much greater the pain was even further increased by perfectly well-meaning individuals who assumed that my own faith must have been lacking, that I simply didn't value the marriage enough myself, or that surely I failed to make a sufficient effort and let it slip idly from my grasp.  They don't need to know.  And that's not what they're asking anyway.

Culturally, it's not about the culture at all.  It's about my own personal journey, my personal struggle through issues I never anticipated would be mine - lost baggage I never meant to claim, yet somehow repeatedly finds it way to me in unanticipated, little reminders like this question.  Most days I feel as though I've come far enough that it just slides right off, but somedays the constant reminder is too much and I want to blame a culture for valuing a life as so much greater if it's legally and matrimonially attached to another, blame whoever might be responsible for leaving me to deal with this kind of silly conundrum, blame myself for not just getting past it altogether already.  Somedays it's really all too much, but sometimes, somehow it becomes a sweet reminder of the infinite measure of grace and peace I've already received, a chance to remember I'm neither who, nor where, I once was and that my hope has indeed been redirected.